Charlie Productions : Bollocks.

I used to think that I was going to die when I was old, but now I'm not so sure. I'd always assumed that I would marry, make a home, try to be as good a father as ours to us, and by the time I died I'd be a weird mix of our grandfathers at the time of their passing - pushing back death so I could say goodbye to all my grandkids and making peace with all my memories whilst they re-enacted themselves more vividly than life itself, creating work that was as far out as Matisse managed when he couldn't see more than the huge primary colour cutouts he directed his assistants to create.

But that doesn't seem so likely anymore.

Granddad always had an analogy that we are like particles of water - connected as a whole but not fixed in place, constantly moving, following the current. You can fight it, but you might not make it, and it will wear you down - life has a plan for you, here's to you if you decide otherwise.

I've never liked there being plans for me. So I've always fought - against no money, being an outsider, career or love, career or life, always fighting against the natural course, knocking out any sense of life, love, career, money, stability or belonging. But then the midwife did say to mum that "you've got a boxer there" when I was born.

I think I've made it into another current but right now it's drowning me and my own stupid nature simply makes it worse. Maybe this is always the way it'll be, with all the usual sacrifices you hear of to be made for the chance to create something of your own. Maybe I will always make it hard, make it a fight, a struggle, an unbearable fucking frustration with the world until the day I can't stand it anymore.

Charlie Productions believe passionately in doing things and always trying to stop in time for tea.

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