Charlie Productions : Hold A Bad Party

Everyone loves a good party. Well, that's everyone except the chronically shy, pessimists, cynics, misanthropists and Jean Paul Satre who, fed up of not being asked to good parties, decided that it was not a party unless he was invited. However anyone who has ever been to more than one party will know that a good party is a delicate and wonderful thing that occours more by luck than judgement.

I never hold parties. I can't bare the work. I am of the smug opinion that a good time is something you should either have or not bother with - if it requires all the effort of ringing everyone up, worrying about not inviting the people who for some reason you know and who will expect to be invited but you don't actualy like, getting in copious amounts of alcohol for other people to drink, worrying about how your record collection will stand up to the inspection of all of your friends, worrying that no one will turn up and (depending upon your age) worrying that someone else is going to pull the person the whole party has been arranged to enable you to get off with, someone is going to steal all your stuff, your oldest friend is going to have turned into a hideously boring person who talks only about their job or, if you are William Burrows, worrying that you're going to get blind drunk and shoot your wife in the head. (Party tricks are not always that impressive.)

The other reason I never hold parties is that there is no way you can win. If the party is awful you will lose the respect of your friends. If the party is dull you will lose the respect of your friends. If the party is excellent everyone will love you and insist that you hold another party which, because of the fickle nature of "a good time", wont be as good and you will lose the respect of your friends. However, if I were to hold a party I would hold a bad one on the grounds that it would ensure, in the most violent way possible, that I lost the respect of my friends who - if they are capable of losing all respect in me simply because I invite them to a bad party - are not the sort of people I care to count as friends.

Some things you can do to hold a bad party.

1. For every friend you invite ring up a person at random from the telephone book and invite them as well (WARNING: This could result in a wild and excitingly brilliant party - be careful)
2. Before your guests arrive, leave the front door unlocked and then hang yourself in the middle of the room.
3. "OK everyone, now we're going to play truth, dare or Bible reading..."
4. When your friend arrives with his new girlfriend squeeze her breasts and say "Wow John you only had to bring a bottle!"
5. When your friend arrives with his new girlfriend kiss him violently and fondle his crotch.
6. To metaphorically "break the ice" sit in the middle of the room smashing at a huge block of ice with a pick axe whilst screaming "LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS NOW!"
7. Keep a worm farm in your fridge.
8. Be prepared for alcohol and excitement to act upon your guest's emotions and set up each bedroom with contraception and cameras.
9. So that everyone knows which house to go to instead of fixing balloons to the front door hang a fox from your letter box.
10. Whilst drunk tell your friends that you can shoot an apple from the top of your wifes head and kill her!

Charlie Productions believe passionately in doing things and always trying to stop in time for tea.
Brook House Design Studios, Bluebridge Road, Brookmans Park, Herts AL9 7SX
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